Recently I went on a women’s retreat with my church to Avila Beach. We drank wine, talked about life, writing, and Jesus, wept for Jesus, drank margaritas, went shopping, made an art project, had an awesome catered taco dinner, prayed some more, cried some more, drank more wine, and sang karaoke.
A few of the girls asked with an apprehensive smirk, “Have we weirded you out yet?”
I smiled and said, “No. I think that would have happened by now.”
I can’t say I'm at the passionate stage that some of the women are regarding Jesus, but their enthusiasm certainly didn’t bother me. I’m still figuring out where my views stand with standard Christian beliefs (given my family’s Catholic background and my own time in the new age spiritual realm), but there’s no doubt I’m being called to it. And I’m beyond thankful for my church community, and ours is about as chill and open as one could be, taking me in like a middle-aged orphan.
Talking to the girls, I’ve learned there are a variety of beliefs and stances, which personally I like. There are liberals and conservatives. I mean, if I’m being real, I didn’t even know there were liberals who were actively practicing Christians. You learn something new every day.
Yet as a newbie I’m grappling with a few things. Sin being number one—since I seem to have a PhD in sinning, or used to at least (I’m just boring now). And of course, I write about sinning. That’s my bread and butter. I honestly don’t even know if “sinning” is really the right word to use in 2026. From what I gather the idea of sinning is more of a disconnection from God, rather than being naughty or bad. I certainly don’t want to go through life feeling guilty about having fun or being human. Because being human is inherently messy. Although I think in my forties, long before I started going to church last year, I made a subconscious decision to be less messy. To think more about the consequences of things and the people I invite into my life. This is just age as well. I don’t want to deal with unnecessary bullshit. And that is probably why church is more appealing now.
Getting back to sinning and that I write about it. Most of the girls at church know that I am a writer, and some told me they wanted to read Synth Noir, which I was very hesitant about at first. A book about very flawed, “problematic” characters who have affairs, do drugs, and have a tendency toward hedonism. I was sure they would think I’m a complete heathen if they read it.
But they insisted they’ve read much worse. I started to get texts that they bought the book, and then texts from some who were in the middle of reading it (primarily lolling about Ritchie’s Anthropologie rant), and then more texts that they finished it and couldn’t wait for the next book. They’ve been more supportive than most of my close girlfriends I’ve had for years.
Moral of the story, don’t judge a book by its cover. No pun intended.
Of course, Synth Noir Book 1 is pretty tame compared to what’s coming later in the series. And very tame compared to my upcoming books. Which is what I’m grappling with as well. What about the next book? And the one after that? My more transgressive novels coming down the line that I feel compelled to write. That aren’t romance, but are horror and violent and graphic.
Can you be a Christian and write with honesty about the complexities of human nature? I would like to think so. After all, the Bible is filled with transgressive stories. Some very shocking. Sodom and Gomorrah anyone? Whether you believe it or not, take it literally or as a book of parables, the Bible is basically a transgressive anthology filled with nuance about the history of human nature and God.
I don’t want to hold back with my writing now that I’m going to church. But there is a lot of weirdness inside of me that needs to come out and I’m not sure how people will take it—at church or not. Despite my desire to learn about Christianity, at my core I’m provocative and a bit of a heretic. But that’s one side of me. The other side is a suburban yuppie who now goes to church, studies the Bible, decorates her home with roses from Trader Joe’s, and most nights cuddles with her cats while watching dating shows and ‘80s soap operas. Can the two coexist? Maybe this is any artist’s dilemma. I mean, if Alice Cooper can be a Christian, why can’t I?
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